Browsing Date

August 2017

Fiction, Prose

Toothache, time (A Tale of two enemies)

August 24, 2017 • By

If indeed the fires of hell exist as described by men of God then a toothache is the closest to experiencing hell on earth. A toothache is one of the few things even the Acoli’s who like to brag about where they are from have no solutions for. It is like your entire body is being pierced by Chinese needles many at a time.

I remember this one time in school when I had a mild ache during the day, being a person of considerable thought and a believer in Christ, in particular, that no weapon formed against me would prosper, I denounced it as a mere beep. At around midnight, when almost everyone was snoring, grunting, cursing, screaming, writing imaginary love letters and others wet-dreaming, this mild ache returned with all the other demons of pain in its tribe. As if to punish me for belittling it. I made the mistake of sipping water to sooth it down but all hell broke lose.

I felt a pounding pain in my head, a spear straight through my gum, I saw the walking dead zombies in 2004 tearing my cavities, at that point I could clearly remember all the chemical formulas I would normally forget in exams except none could help with the pain, I could as well author a chemistry book.

My eyes swole till I could see my own veins or iris in black and white, the cheeks blossomed but the lanky frame entailed, my legs danced left and centre at will. I thought of weed, yes, I did. I knew a few friends who traded that magic pain reliever but I thought twice, what if the ache took the weed and made itself stronger, where would I end up?

I made countless trips across the dormitory, at some point I thought of requesting the ‘askari’ to take the night off and tend to his mistress while I cover for him. This must have been around 12:30 Am. I could have sworn that I saw ghosts hold their nightly meeting, among them, was the King of the night walkers in The Game of Thrones (Sorry if you thought you saw him first). After about what seem like four hours of aimless moving across the dormitory, I glanced at the watch and it was just 1:00 Am, the pain had also stopped the clock.

You see, a toothache lacks an immediate remedy yet people lick the salt, bite towels, avoid beans and stupid ones pray in the middle of the hurt. I mean, how does one resort to prayers when you can hardly tell if you want to pooh, pee or spit out your tongue. I swallowed Quinine, flagyl and took cough syrup just in case their roles had changed

By the time morning laboured to pass, I had gone to the loos 8 times and been productive once, showered 4 times (Equivalent to one week under normal service), brushed using Colgate, Delident, ABC Dent and Close Up, walked back and forth about 500 times, leaned on all the beds in the dormitory hoping one of them had special healing powers and promised to join any religion that would allow me to sleep. I also took time to apologise to the people I had wronged and those I would wrong in future.

At about 5 AM, I was headed for home, 5km away from school along a road which had all sorts of stories including a singing vampire with an extremely sexy voice, I heard nothing of the sort. I did not see the mean soldiers who guarded the school on my way out that morning and I did not care. I just wanted the damn tooth or teeth off, I did not know which one hurt, it seems my entire set of teeth were teething themselves.


Fiction, Idle Mind

An introduction to Marriage II

August 7, 2017 • By

If you are still reading this, there are two things involved. 
1.    You have probably aborted your plans to get married.
2.    You are getting married.

Either way, you are in the right place, I am not sure if you will get the right information here, but let’s give it a try. People do not willingly get married. Think about it, it is the society that wants you to, your parents want it too, or it is a prerequisite to acquiring citizenship abroad or another scam by the church to make money.

The Proposal
This is the hard part, if a woman proposes to you, please admit she has real love and conclude that you are screwed. However, if as a man, you develop balls and talk your way into suicide, remember that you will be reminded later when things go wrong that you made the move. She will even go ahead and tell you she didn’t want to get matrimonized in the first place.

What you will need
To propose, you will need a 750ml of vodka so you do not remember whatever it is you said that you shouldn’t have in the first place. CAUTION: The vodka is for two things; to help you say those dainty things and help in case she says NO to all you’re rattling afterwards. You will also need music, soft music – loud music does not really matter as long as it is not Maurice Kirya’s music lest you sound too serious. 

In your right state of mind, please acquire yourself a knee pad to help with the kneeling down OR ….. Purchase a walking stick and do it while standing. The ambience does not really matter, but a quiet place will get you peeing your pants. If you cannot handle the heat, an air conditioned room may come in handy. Remember to bring true friends around to clap when she says YES and to help open the vodka when things go berserk and never around random people, leave that for movies.

Note: Do not take any of this seriously.


Fiction, Thoughts

‘FRIDAYS ARE STUPID, DON’T THANK GOD FOR THEM’

August 7, 2017 • By

 Yes, just an ordinary day of the week woven up in so much hype, like the stupid viral #hashtags on Facebook such as #doesyourmotherknow, all useless. To the working class, it is party time, it is the night things go down in clubs, the night when men and women alike do not know who their spouses are sleeping with (they do not always know anyway).  The friends to the working class henceforth borrow airtime to call and make a plot, and yes, thank God it is Friday for them where the Decalogue is treated as an Apocrypha at least for 24 hours before Sunday.

To the men who have annoying, argumentative wives or cohabiting girlfriends they may have hooked up by referring to in clandestine chapters of the canticles, their story is quite different. These men say ‘god’ in lower case and using a relatively soft tone. Their weekend shall be one long, boring, stressful miniature to forget and instead wish for the new week, a new day like Monday.

How about beggars on the streets? In Gulu District for instance, beggar’s day is officially* Friday. And so on these fateful filthy days, on every first, second, third, black or white and last Friday of the month, like seasonal locusts they flock the streets. They spread their hands wide open and miserably wink their eyes to beg for mercy, for money. Old men, but mostly old women who have been given the will to beg even when they produced children of their own, loiter streets with goblin gloomy eyes hoping someone would coin their Friday.

How about we make Fridays more interesting like; only on Friday can one be fired from their work, and only on Friday shall there be no public holiday.