If indeed the fires of hell exist as described by men of God then a toothache is the closest to experiencing hell on earth. A toothache is one of the few things even the Acoli’s who like to brag about where they are from have no solutions for. It is like your entire body is being pierced by Chinese needles many at a time.
I remember this one time in school when I had a mild ache during the day, being a person of considerable thought and a believer in Christ, in particular, that no weapon formed against me would prosper, I denounced it as a mere beep. At around midnight, when almost everyone was snoring, grunting, cursing, screaming, writing imaginary love letters and others wet-dreaming, this mild ache returned with all the other demons of pain in its tribe. As if to punish me for belittling it. I made the mistake of sipping water to sooth it down but all hell broke lose.
I felt a pounding pain in my head, a spear straight through my gum, I saw the walking dead zombies in 2004 tearing my cavities, at that point I could clearly remember all the chemical formulas I would normally forget in exams except none could help with the pain, I could as well author a chemistry book.
My eyes swole till I could see my own veins or iris in black and white, the cheeks blossomed but the lanky frame entailed, my legs danced left and centre at will. I thought of weed, yes, I did. I knew a few friends who traded that magic pain reliever but I thought twice, what if the ache took the weed and made itself stronger, where would I end up?
I made countless trips across the dormitory, at some point I thought of requesting the ‘askari’ to take the night off and tend to his mistress while I cover for him. This must have been around 12:30 Am. I could have sworn that I saw ghosts hold their nightly meeting, among them, was the King of the night walkers in The Game of Thrones (Sorry if you thought you saw him first). After about what seem like four hours of aimless moving across the dormitory, I glanced at the watch and it was just 1:00 Am, the pain had also stopped the clock.
You see, a toothache lacks an immediate remedy yet people lick the salt, bite towels, avoid beans and stupid ones pray in the middle of the hurt. I mean, how does one resort to prayers when you can hardly tell if you want to pooh, pee or spit out your tongue. I swallowed Quinine, flagyl and took cough syrup just in case their roles had changed
By the time morning laboured to pass, I had gone to the loos 8 times and been productive once, showered 4 times (Equivalent to one week under normal service), brushed using Colgate, Delident, ABC Dent and Close Up, walked back and forth about 500 times, leaned on all the beds in the dormitory hoping one of them had special healing powers and promised to join any religion that would allow me to sleep. I also took time to apologise to the people I had wronged and those I would wrong in future.
At about 5 AM, I was headed for home, 5km away from school along a road which had all sorts of stories including a singing vampire with an extremely sexy voice, I heard nothing of the sort. I did not see the mean soldiers who guarded the school on my way out that morning and I did not care. I just wanted the damn tooth or teeth off, I did not know which one hurt, it seems my entire set of teeth were teething themselves.